What am I grateful for?

October 7th.  It is hard to believe it has been one year since the tumor was removed from my head that a few times hemorrhaged and almost killed me.  After six years of my health on a slow downhill slide, it sure feels good to be working my way back up the hill.  I am not there yet, but the top is visible with no fog surrounding it.

There is so much I still cannot remember over the last couple years and it may never come back to me.  A year ago I could not see how I was ever going to feel better.  Hell, six months ago was still a daily struggle.  People have asked me if I am back to “normal” yet.  I don’t know how to answer them.  It was for so long that I didn’t feel “normal” that I really don’t know what that means anymore. When is good enough…good enough? I can say am doing very well now and feel better than I have in years. I talk to so many others that are still fighting this illness so I am thankful every day.

They say everything happens for a reason.  I don’t know what that reason is for me yet. Maybe one day I will find it, maybe not.  I will take things as they come.  This illness that took so long to diagnose changed my entire life in the blink of an eye it seems like.  There were times earlier this year where I could not find my dreams, my goals, or myself, and I didn’t even know who I was anymore.  I was truly lost.  It is so hard to explain how dysfunctional a mind and body can be without having your natural hormones anymore.  In my case I now take four different manufactured hormones and finding the correct balance was a challenge.  There are also some hormones that are not replaced because the medical field does not know enough about them yet.  I also never realized how some people will assume, fear, judge or treat you when you have an invisible illness or an illness they don’t understand.  Thankfully my family and closest friends were there for me when I needed them.

Throughout this illness I have learned a few things.  Life is about overcoming obstacles and circumstances that are in or beyond my control.  It’s about making the most out of my relationships with family and friends, new and old.  It’s about finding my passion and the meaning in my life and doing everything I can to show that meaning to others and live that passion every day.  It’s about finding that person that will love me unconditionally and loving them back the same way no matter what the world throws at us.  It’s about forgiveness, and giving, helping others, and the notion of paying it forward.  And it’s about keeping things simple, laughing, and having fun.

Today I am very grateful for so many things.  I am still learning, searching, and a work in progress.  Honestly… this last year has taught me so much that I hope I always am!

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